


to fear for you

by blqckbeak



Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:41:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22608706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blqckbeak/pseuds/blqckbeak
Summary: What it means to fear for someone after fearing them for so long.Inspired by the line from the queen of nothing, "It was terrifying watching you fall. I mean, you're generally terrifying, but I am unused to fearingforyou."
Relationships: Jude Duarte/Cardan Greenbriar
Comments: 7
Kudos: 143





	to fear for you

She’s laying on the bed, and she’s not moving. Her breaths are coming, slow and steady, but still there. _Why would she do that_ , he thinks, _she isn’t meant to be broken_. He’s knelt beside the bed, cloth in hand, bowl of water in front of him, and he takes her hand. It’s limp in his grip, and it feels so wrong to have her here, helpless and bleeding, in a state the opposite of who she is. He’s so angry he wants to burn the world, but more than anything he’s terrified. If he’s being honest, which he doesn’t have a choice in being, he’s always terrified when it comes to Jude, but never in this way, never terrified _for_ her, of what might happen to her.  
  
He holds her hand, cleaning off the drying blood, and he tries no to think about the fact that the faerie healers don’t know a great deal about mortals, what is needed to make them well, and how impossibly pale she looks. Instead he focuses on what he can do: cleaning the blood, ensuring she’s comfortable, taking care to make sure no one enters his chambers unless absolutely necessary. He finishes, and as he gets up to leave, he notices that her hair is a mess across her face, so he brushes it back out of her eyes. Cardan cups her cheek, running his thumb over it, and whispers, “Please, Jude,” before he leaves to let her rest.  


* * *

There are moments when Jude can’t quite believe that this life is hers; not in the way a little girl in a story that begins with _once upon a time_ might feel if she were to one day wake up the queen of a foreign kingdom, married to the person that she loves. And she doesn’t mean being the High Queen of Elfhame, though that part is extraordinary in and of itself. Rather, she can’t quite believe that those that matter most to her are still here; after all the schemes and plots and fighting that has gone on, she had been prepared to lose them, afraid of it more than anything, but ready nonetheless.  
  
Months after eliminating the circumstances of those fears, she had expected to be rid of them, unfortunately, her expectations had been wrong. The worst are her fears for Cardan, and she wonders if part of it is the adjustment she’s had to make, from fearing him to fearing _for_ him, that has caused them to be so severe. It’s been months— _months_ —since it happened, but there are some mornings when she wakes up and she can hardly grasp that he’s here, as himself, and not stuck as a serpent for time eternal. She reminds herself when it gets especially bad that it was hardly three days, but dammit if those days didn’t feel longer than forever. _How can three days feel so short and yet an eternity all at once?_  
  
The days when she wakes feeling this way and he’s already left are worse than any other, she feels as if she doesn’t see him, at least a glimpse, she’ll realize that it has all been a dream—he’ll be here with her, but trapped forever in a serpent form that she cannot love. While these days are so infrequent they shouldn’t be as significant as they are, she feels as if she can’t do anything else until she reassures herself that he’s here. When she does see him, the tight and wound feeling of fear and anxiety subsides.  
  
When they talked about it, she recalls him saying that he knew what it was to fear her, but never fear _for_ her, and if she didn’t understand before, she certainly understands now. They both know she struggles when it comes to starting conversations that make her feel vulnerable, so instead Cardan starts. He discusses her official return from her exile; how he felt watching her fall from the ceiling and how he felt in the days until she woke; how utterly terrified he was, in a way he hadn’t been before. He talks about seeing her broken, someone he never thought could be, and how he wasn’t sure what he would do if she remained that way.  
  
“It was like I had a witch show me fears I did not know I had,” he said, “I was scared that when you awoke you would not want to remain in Elfhame. But most of all I feared that you would not wake, and I would have to rule without you by my side.”  
  
She had long before decided that she no longer needed to lie to Cardan, which is the only reason she said then, “You weren’t even gone for three days, and yet I could not help but think of you as gone for good. No one knew of a way to break the curse, and the only option seemed to keep you bridled and bound. The fear I felt, thinking of you trapped that way, was the greatest fear I’d had—even greater than Madoc winning control of Elfhame. Some mornings, I wake up, it feels as if you aren’t back, and I feel as if I am left with the same impossible choice. It is terrifying.”  
  
And he said the same words that he’d said before, under much different circumstances, “I’m here now.”  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this fic is the first piece of fiction I've written since I was like 12, but if you have any criticism, or ways to help me improve I'm super open to it!
> 
> The idea for this came right before I fell asleep the other night, and I wrote it down in case I wanted to write it, and boy have I not been inspired to write in over seven years. If this sucks I'm sorry, and if you like it thank?? you?? so?? much?? 
> 
> Also if this feels like it ended kind of abruptly, I had more written for it, but it just didn't fit and I wanted to get this out before I forgot, so I'm sorry!!! 
> 
> Finally, if there are spelling/grammar errors I'm sorry, I have a bad habit of once each individual section of writing is looked over and put in the right order I don't want to read it again (I do this with school assignments too, not just this). So if you catch something let me know I guess?? This note is so long I'm rambling I'm gonna stop now!!
> 
> Edit: ve a writing tumblr now: the user is the same as my user here blqckbeak!


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